Your brain is telling you a story right now. It’s telling you a story about what you’re reading, your calendar and to-do list, and even about the health of your business!

Like most good stories, the stories your brain is telling you aren’t reality. Instead, they’re your thoughts about reality. This is one of the most fundamental and most freeing truths about being human.

I saw a beautiful demonstration of this last week at a leadership conference. The agenda was packed with speakers sharing raw stories of their mistakes, failures, and even disasters.

Sixty people sat in the same room, listening to the exact same words. Yet, the reactions I observed varied wildly.

Some leaders were visibly uncomfortable, taken aback by the raw truth-telling. Others were nodding vigorously, feeling deeply seen, included, and supported.

Same conference, same speakers, but each person was creating different stories about that experience.

The invisible filter

How can one shared event produce such completely different realities?

Our brains are constantly bombarded with data—the speaker’s words, the chair’s comfort, the low hum of the air conditioning, the weird aftertaste from lunch in your mouth. Our brains can’t process all of it, so they quickly filter and interpret this chaos, stitching it into a coherent, personal story.

This story is what we call “reality.”

For the conference attendees, I heard different variations on two dominant stories:

• Some folks were uncomfortable, even overwhelmed. Their brain could be telling a story like: “Vulnerability is weakness; I need to stay guarded.”
• Other folks were relieved. Their brain could be telling a story like: “Thank goodness, I’m not the only one; I am safe here.”

The circumstance (the speaker) was the same, but the thought—the story—was different.

Making your story explicit

This realization is a key leadership insight.

When I’m at loggerheads with someone, I’ve learned to pause and make my story explicit. I literally say: “The story I’m telling about this situation is…”

This small action is powerful because it separates the “facts” from my interpretation. It pulls me out of the need to be “right” and saves me a lot of wasted time and grief.

The fast track to connection and agreement

Then I ask, “What story is the other person’s brain telling that makes their reaction completely rational and logical?” Understanding that story is the fastest way to get to the action that needs to be taken. 

When you encounter conflict, misunderstanding, or a stubborn lack of progress on a team, I invite you to step out of the fight over the facts. Instead of quickly responding back to prove your point, slow down and get curious about your story and theirs.

It’s the fastest way I know to move past conflict and get to a genuine connection.

See if you can find one situation in the next 24 hours where you and the person you are talking to are telling different stories. For extra credit, reveal your story and see what happens!