The problem you’re tolerating is the one you’re contributing to
My friend Dany and I recently rented one of those big, barrel saunas for a weekend at his cottage. They’re incredibly relaxing, and after a couple of days sweating out all my stress, I felt fantastic.
The owner was scheduled to pick it up, but he called instead. “You know what? You guys can keep it for an extra day—on the house.”
A free day of sauna rental!
As we sat in the warm cedar-scented air, enjoying our unexpected gift, Dany leaned back and said, “You know, these kinds of things never used to happen to me.”
He went on to explain: “People would always be so helpful to my wife, they’d do stuff for her, or give her a deal. But never for me. Then one day, I noticed how she spoke to the merchant at the store and to the contractor. She wasn’t just transacting; she was genuinely curious and open about them.”
He realized she was making a connection. She was prioritizing a human-centered approach in a moment when most people treat it purely as a transaction.
So, Dany decided to try an experiment: he would try being more open and curious with everyone he dealt with. It took more time, and sometimes it was exhausting, but he started noticing a shift. Transactions went more smoothly, and people treated him with unexpected kindness. He even got a free day of sauna rental!
The Question Behind the Question
Do you notice the leadership move Dany made right there? It’s a subtle but powerful shift from an external focus to an internal locus of control.
- Awareness: He recognized a pattern: “I’m not getting the same level of help or kindness that my wife is.” (Recognizing a result that I’m currently tolerating.)
- Curiosity: He got curious about his wife’s results: “What is she doing differently? She’s open, curious, and seeking a connection with people.”
- Action/Agency: He decided to make a change: “I’m going to adopt that mindset and make an invitation for a genuine connection.”
- Results: He got a free day with the sauna.
The free sauna isn’t the point. The free sauna is a metaphor for the unexpected gifts—like trust, better deals, and engaged teams—that come when we shift our perspective from pure transaction to connection and self-awareness.
I’m not suggesting you need to be nicer to people to get free stuff. What I’m inviting you to explore is something different.
Think about a result in your life or business that you currently say you don’t like. Maybe:
- Your team is logged off and gone by 4:30 p.m., yet the initiatives you’ve committed to are constantly running behind schedule.
- Clients are constantly interrupting your day with petty complaints that your account managers should be handling.
- You and your business partner aren’t communicating as you did two years ago, and it’s starting to impact your culture and the bottom line.
For any of those situations, or whatever is happening right now, I have one challenging question for you. It’s a question that puts you back in the driver’s seat:
How am I contributing to the situation I say I don’t like?
I invite you to pause and sit with that question. The answers you find might give you more control—and more peace—than you realize.
If, after answering that question, you are still stuck, hit reply and we’ll get on the phone and see if we can’t shift things together.
